She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
