Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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