"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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