hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
