Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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