every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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