I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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