I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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