Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
