she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
