Jerry, you need to find god
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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