did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
