That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
