he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
