I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
