so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
