I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
