I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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