I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
