I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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