U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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