Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
