the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize