When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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