You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
