we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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