meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You made out with two different species that night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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