I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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