at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
