I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
