the condom got lost in my hair
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize