im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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