My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
