I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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