Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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