One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
