FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
