all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
