Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize