We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
