I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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