sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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