I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize