First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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