he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize