all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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