If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
