Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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