four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize