i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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