I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
