im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
